Ketchup is God's man juice
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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