If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
