I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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