his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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