I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
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My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
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Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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