Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i need some magic done to my vagina
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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