i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
