When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
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The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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