He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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