so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
