Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
