No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
There's always time for handjobs
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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