I'm jealous of your bromance
I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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