I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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