I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Randomize
