this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
