He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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