I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
