Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
