I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
