we're blogging at a bar
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
