Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
