I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
no you cant smoke seaweed
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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