I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
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Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize