you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
