Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?