i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
