We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.