not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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