PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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