i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
