I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
