can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
