Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
