Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
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Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
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I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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