ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
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I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
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Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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