I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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