I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
