If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
