i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
