Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
