She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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