He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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