Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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