So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
