Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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