your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
