I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
