this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
