I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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