I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
