He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
