I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
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We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
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Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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