are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
