Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
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I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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