My balls are so social today.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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