last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
