I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
