I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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