Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
