i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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