walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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