I will die if light touches me.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
and you fell through a lawn chair
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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